First off, Welcome to this new space!
This isn't my first attempt at blogging, but it is my first attempt at blogging about things that aren't popular, comfortable, or joyful. For the most part, this will be a space where I put words to feelings. Feelings I've buried for years. Even decades. This will be my confessional. My sounding board. My journal. And I've making it available to anyone who wishes to read, learn, understand.
Hopefully, some of you gain some insight. Whether it be about me, or yourself. Whether you gain understanding to some of my behaviors, or some of yours. My hope is that, if you relate to anything I share, that you learn, as I have, and as I still am, that you are worth more than those who victimized you, made you believe. If you relate to some of those in my stories, my hope is that you understand that your own pasts are hurting those around you, and you seek help, in order to become better people. And lastly, I hope that if you were witness, or have become someone's support, that you learn from my past, how much patience, understanding and tenderness we require.
There is an untold amount of gentleness and reassurance that we require, just to survive the day. Surviving, escaping, and ultimately overcoming severe trauma, is not easy. It isn't fun. It isn't quick. And sometimes, most times, it's one step forward, four steps back. In learning about our trauma, learning new ways to cope, understand and process, we often find ourselves reliving past pains. Those feelings we pushed aside, and buried come flooding back. As if it is happening again. It's rarely pretty. It's traumatic in it's own right. And even when I know what I'm experiencing will be helpful in the long run, I find myself fighting with every fiber of my being, the urge to rebox the memories, feelings, and utter shit, and shove it back away, where I'd kept it safely locked up and out of mind for so many years.
That said, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Julie. I am a Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Survivor. I am also a wife, and mom. I work at home, running a Charity Cosplay group in my area, and taking care of my family. Like many, It was not a single abuser that I dealt with. While I will not use actual names, bear in mind that the memories, feelings and experiences I write about are real. I will write about them as I remember them. I will spare few details, as I wish with all of my heart, that my pain, and suffering, will resonate with someone, and prompt them to speak up, move out, or in some other way, stop the shit that is happening to them. This in mind, keep in mind a few things:
- I will not edit. I swear. Sometimes, a lot. If you don't like that, this isn't the place for you.
- Some of these events will not be easy to read about. They aren't supposed to be easy. You shouldn't feel 'ok' or 'comfortable' reading about these things. If you do... Seek help.
- I won't sugarcoat.
- Sometimes, my thoughts come off more as rambling, than coherent. Bear with me. Sometimes, the left side of my brain doesn't engage when I'm re-experiencing the trauma.
- Do not come at me with reasons, justifications or excuses as to why these people did what they did. Narcissists don't need help justifying their shitty behavior, and it won't be tolerated here. This is a safe place for survivors.
- This blog will be linked to my other social media accounts, in order to share and build my audience. Just and FYI, in case you wish to comment and be snarky or shitty about something. While I won't delete shitty comments, I will delete racist, sexist, homo/transphobic comments, as well as comments that perpetuate domestic violence and sexual assault. I will also lay the hammer down on bullying remarks, not just to myself, but others who have commented.
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